to go along with me short story Walk with me which I'll post soon. This is from the view of Maria (pronounced Mariah) to Dan. And it's layout, formatting is based off of Paul Eluard's poem Je t'aime. I have no idea even if I am going to title it. At first I think not, maybe if someone comes up with something that would be great.
cheers CL
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I love you for all the people you’ve touched
I love you for all the times in which you’ve lived for me
For the charcoal breath of angels and the fragrance of marigolds
For the soft summers and moonlit walks
For the innocence you let me believe in
I love you to love
I love you for all the people I can not love
Because I love you so deeply
Without you I am nothing but a porcelain doll
Forgotten and nostalgic in the right light
There have been times I wished I could scream at you for
I have not been able to love through your sheltering and that
Crushes me
I’ve had to learn life through others (mostly you)
How one forgets
To live, to love on their own
I love you for your knowledge and wisdom which will never be mine
For sketches
I love you against everything you have done
The pushing and pulling, the illusion of apathy
For the immortal sense that this is a-once-in-a-lifetime love which I have no power over
You think that you are unworthy but you are a kindersavior
You are the moments of fluttering butterflies that caress
my insides at the most intimate of moments
When I know I love you
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Hey there! I know this poem is super old, but it has only one review, so I decided to review it anyway!
I love you for all the people you’ve touched
You have some nice imagery in your poem! Some of my favourite parts were "fragrance of marigolds," "charcoal breath of angels," and "soft summers and moonlit walks." I think you did a good job describing something that isn't so easy easy to describe. I have a few things I'd like to point out. These are just suggestions, so you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to!
The first thing I'd like to mention is your title. Right now, I think it is a bit boring and plain; I don't think it would attract many readers. I recommend thinking of a more creative and appealing title. But if you don’t want to, that’s totally fine!
The next thing I'd like to mention is stanzas. Right now this poem is a big block of text. This can look intimidating and won't attract readers that well. Dividing your poem into stanzas could make this an easier read and less intimidating. I've put one out of the many ways you could divide this poem in the spoiler below!
Spoiler
I love you for all the times in which you’ve lived for me
For the charcoal breath of angels and the fragrance of marigolds
For the soft summers and moonlit walks
For the innocence you let me believe in
I love you to love
I love you for all the people I can not love
Because I love you so deeply
Without you I am nothing but a porcelain doll
Forgotten and nostalgic in the right light
There have been times I wished I could scream at you for
I have not been able to love through your sheltering and that
Crushes me
I’ve had to learn life through others (mostly you)
How one forgets
To live, to love on their own
I love you for your knowledge and wisdom which will never be mine
For sketches
I love you against everything you have done
The pushing and pulling, the illusion of apathy
For the immortal sense that this is a-once-in-a-lifetime love which I have no power over
You think that you are unworthy but you are a kindersavior
You are the moments of fluttering butterflies that caress
my insides at the most intimate of moments
When I know I love you
The next thing I'd like to mention is capitalization. You capitalize the beginning of every line except for the one below
I recommend remaining consistent in your capitalization, which you can easily do by capitalizing this line.
The next thing I'd like to mention is punctuation. You only have a couple of commas throughout this poem. I definitely think your poem could use more commas and periods since it's pretty long. It would make this easier to read and flow better, in my opinion.
The next thing I'd like to mention is line length. You have very short lines and then very long lines randomly. It makes your poem uneven and not very neat. One way you could fix this is by dividing longer lines into two lines and combining shorter lines.
One last thing!
I'm not quite sure what you meant by "kindersavior" Did you mean "kinder savior"? But even then it still feels word. Perhaps "kind savior"?
Overall, you did a nice job with this poem! I love your imagery and word choice and phrases, and I hope this helped!
thats how the poem is supposed to be written. yah cheesy but I liked it sort of. thanks for the review.
There are far too many repetitions of the word 'love' and variations of the word love...yick yuck.
I'm getting Hallmark card, dunno about you.
Find some synonyms for the word love and the word live, and spend time in your local card shop reading the valentine's day cards until you are completely and thoroughly nauseated.
That, I find, helps me write. When I have a bad example to work off of.